Meeting with Metta
Today I had my first session with my coach, Metta.
Metta is a 2000lb percheron mare from our herd. In fact, she is the lead mare.
We have always had an interesting relationship her and I. She really knows how to push my buttons!! Perhaps it's because we are both lead mares...perhaps she knows I have a thing or two to learn from her.
This is raw and unedited from my journal that I wrote immediately after our "session"..So no judgement..Funny..that was the first thing that came up for me as I began to groom her..
Ok!! Wow! That really, truly was powerful!
First feeling: entering the roundpen and brushing Metta. She was a muddy mess!
Instantly, I felt like a bad owner. I obviously don't love Horses as much as I claim or they wouldn't be so dirty. That went to being a bad mother...I didn't take the time to care for my so called "loved ones" because I can't be bothered.."I'm too busy" "I'm not domestic"..
that leads into always hurrying. Gotta get it done!!!!Hurry to the next thing. This is too time consuming.
Oh but make it perfect!
That lead to not wanting to be in the moment. Get out of this moment..My mind wanted to drift to other things...I kept pulling it back.
When have I felt this way before?
Metta moves away from me..
So I went into the middle of the pen and knelt down. She watches me from the other side of the pen then comes to me and stands over me, running her nose around my head and shoulders.
I immediately felt distrust (what?? I'm a horse girl!!)
What if she bonks me on the head?
What if she walks over top of me?
What if she steps on me?
How many times do I think the worst can or will happen?
Metta walks away.
I stand up and feel the pain in my chest that has been there since I began brushing her.
Tears waiting to fall.
I close my eyes and feel the pain.
But I decide I want to feel happy, light. I begin to think of Genie and I galloping together but change it to Metta and I and see my legs melting into her sides.
She comes to me and rubs her nose on my chest.
Finally the tears come.
She places her head on my shoulder..chews..yawns..exhales..
Then steps closer.
Trust finally shows up and I stand perfectly still.
She moves to the other side of me and does the same thing.
She again puts her head on my right shoulder and rubs my chest.
Elation starts to fill me up!
Patience..I hear..I lack patience..I am in a hurry to get inside to write this down. But Metta doesn't move.
It will be done when she walks to the gate. A few more minutes pass as she stands very close to me running her nose up one side of me and then the other. Still standing close.
Finally she walks away.
We are done.
I have my homework all laid out for me..
The question that arose is
"How do I grow and get better without beating myself up?"
The responding question was
"What's wrong with where I am now?"
515588 11th Line
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